11.06.2016

Sleep tight our little angel (open letter to our beloved Mitzy)





Before writing this post I was planning on such a different post, the one that compared to this subject would be totally pointless. But, I guess soon I'll have to write it anyway. Because no matter what, life really must go on ...

Some time ago we noticed a small lump on our beloved Siamese cat Micika's breast. For some reason we didn't take it too seriously. By some time, the lump started to grow and spread on other nipples. When we noticed, we were very worried, but apparently not worried enough to do anything about it. I mean I did consult a vet in Belgrade,  but that was just a small conversation between making a purchase in a Pet Center. Anyways, she thought it was a tumor. She wasn't completely sure of course, because as i said it was a conversation without Mitzy, not an actual vet appointment. That was possible a year ago? We were really worried as well, because she  was about 14 at that time, so we thought after so many hormone injections, and the age ... you know ... Also, we live in a quite small village, where let alone you can find a good peoples doctor, let alone pets. So, we really didn't know what to do. So, we did the worse. Nothing. Or maybe it wasn't the worse, I guess I'll get to that at some point of this text.  
After winter left us, and the green carpet was back on, we decided to go a to a little picnic with Mitzy. She always loved going outside. Smelling the air .. yes, smelling the air.. How I'm going to miss it. :-( But, we forgot to bandage her. And we think that that's the day her wound got a bit messy. We are honestly not sure. We came home, and showered her with just a bit of Pet shampoo. After some time we noticed that the wound/tumor/lump is getting bigger and bigger, and that it's opened?! What in the world?! Yes, the wound was opened, and from time to time some kind of pus/fluid was getting out. At that point we were scared to death! We were just so shocked on how could have had we let that happen for God sakes!? From that time until her last days we did everything we could to help her. We tried to ease the pain with different kind of creams. we bandaged her from time to time as well. Of course we had to finally take her to Vet in near city. 
He diagnosed her with Mammary Gland Tumor or breast cancer. 

"   Mammary gland tumors are the third common type of cancer in older female cats, with the most common symptom manifesting as a lump in the breast tissue. The tumor is typically firm and nodular, and adheres to the overlying skin.Nipples may also appear to be red and swollen, oozing yellowish fluid.
- (taken from Wikipedia) -
If you wish to read full Wiki article on Mammary tumor , click here. Also, I see that that article is available only on 3 more languages, besides English, and thought I'd try after and translate some of the text on Serbia. If you speak more then English, I would warmly ask you to contribute as well. I believe we are not aware enough of the problems just lurking around.  


So, to get back to my story. He diagnosed her and said to us that she is indeed very old and that the cancer has progressed and spread . He said they would have had to take out all of her organs out, and he wasn't sure that if she survive the operation, will she would have the strength to properly heal afterwards.  And the worst thing was, he said that, at least considering cats, dogs not so much ; the cancer in cats comes back in 90%. I usually don't tend to believe it all, and always think she could have been that 10%, but after reading numerous threads on forums with real life people stories, we decided to just pause it. And this is what i was talking about when i said maybe it wasn't such a bad thing we did 'nothing'. I mean no offense to anyone who had done it... I mean that's actually amazing and very brave of you to do! We just didn't want her to put her to all that it comes, just so we could maybe have some year (s?) with her.. i guess every pet's condition is different, and it's on their owners to decide in which  they want things to go ... 
Everything was okay until just about last week I guess, when she started to act a bit strange. She seemed really sad. She was eating still, but not joyfully, you know ... And the worst was the meowing. It was so sad. We were convinced she as in pain. My mom of course mentioned euthanization as our Vet insisted that 'after we're ready, we come for the act to be done..." ... But, I was never going to be ready for that, you know .. But, I told my mom I will think about it, since i was in Belgrade from Monday - Friday due to College. 
On Monday something quite odd happened. I woke up feeling very strange, as if something has happened to her. (remember I'm not at home) and i just started to cry on my way to College. I don't know what came over me. I was sure something has happened, and just couldn't stop. And I really rarely cry.. But, thank God i messaged mom after classes, and everything seemed to be okay. Well, I mean you know ... 'okay'..  Next day i had a horrible feeling as well, and and some horrible dreams too. I was thinking of going home after classes next day on Wednesday, because on Thursdays we have no classes, and Friday, well Friday is almost as weekend .. But, I didn't listen to my intuition again. . And, on Wednesday night i had horrible dreams again. So, I decided that I will probably go home on Thursday ... next day. And so I did.
All I could think of in a bus is how i want to spend all the time I have with her. Watching 'Gossip Girl' on TV as i get back, with coffee in my hand, and Mitzy in my lap. But, of course, there's always a 'but' in life.. As soon as i entered my room, mom and dad entered as well, sister was already there,  and mom just dropped the bomb ... She passed away. They weren't sure when, since it happened in her sleep. But, it was Wednesday to Thursday, 02. - 03. November. They didn't want to tell me anything by the phone since I messaged them I'll be coming home earlier this week.. I didn't know what to do at that point. I was literally crying every day that week, but i couldn't have stopped crying. 
While I was drowning in tears, all the 15 years we shared just flashed through my mind. And I was just so angry at myself for not being there with her, in her last moments. And I'm not sure when will I get over that fact, nor will I ever be able to forgive myself. 
I went to see her, and the waterfall just reactivated. She passed away like a Princess she always was. Curled up with her paws over her eyes, just as she used to cover it when it was to light in the room. 
Next day we prepared for her funeral. We have had this beautiful fox/chest where we used to keep our photographs and memories. We went and bought a single "M" to be sticked to the top of the chest. We have one with paws all over it, sticked on our frigde along with our frist name letters, but we just didn't want to take it off. It didn't feel right. The chest was a bit specious, so we wanted to put some of her favorite things in it, like a robe (which was she constantly purring), as well as some socks ( she really liked to take the socsk and purr) ; some her favorite snacks ...etc. We burried her at our grandparents home, in which now lives my aunt, who was actaully there with other aunt as support.  

Now, few days later, I ... we , are far from okay.. but, we are starting to realize it's all real. My stomach just turned around thousand times from even writing this post. We just really hope she is in some better place right now where there's no cancer nor any other kind of disease, and everyone's happy and free! I just can't help but think I just saw her in my room, or to check if her bowls of food are empty. Or to wait for her to get up first and lead me to kitchen for breakfast, To turn on the heat just because she felt cold for a minute there. To leave a light in hallway even tho we are all going out. To call her a little siamese-kind-of-beautiful pain in the ass for trying to sneak out and go out with us.  To come home and look straight down because you bet she's right there at door when someone comes in. 

There are too many memories and habits connected to her. But, its normal to feel sad, to feel the pain. As I said she was and always will be a HUGE part of mine and all our lives. I mean, after all, it wouldn't be very okay if we were to just easily forget her and move on. This stage of grief is totally normal and acceptable. 

Once again, thank you love of my life for everything you gave and taught me! One day we will all be joined together again. We all love & miss you! Always, and forever! ♥♥♥


Sincerely, 

Jovan and the family 

4 comments

  1. Rasplaka me. Prelepo. Sigurna sam da joj je dobro tamo, sa druge strane. Jelena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hvala ti puno Jelena na podršsci! Nadam se da si u pravu!

      Pozdrav! <3

      Delete
  2. Uh, kakav post! Dovodi do suza, mogu da zamislim kako ti je njen odlazak tesko pao i to posle toliko zajednickih godina. Prava i neiskvarena ljubav dolazi upravo od zivotinja i ne brini za Mici. Bila je ona presrecna sa tobom, u to sam sigurna.
    Veliki pozdrav

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hvala puno na divnoj podšci! ♥ Verovaću i nadam se da si u pravu! <3

      Veliki pozdrav! <3

      Delete

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